I've really struggled with this post. Do I write it? Do I share it?
Here's a little context:
I'm really passionate about equipping people to be passionate about life and for them to be engaged with the world that we live in.
I love how people have engaged with issues like social injustice, but I really struggle with the over glorification that can sometimes occur.
I've been given a heart for people, and a heart for capturing and creating beauty. I always knew that God would give me a way to walk out those things together.
So, as a response to the things that I've been walking through for the past little while, probably my whole life, my creative outlet has become an outlet for my heart.
In 2013, a portion from all of my photography sessions with Ehjae Photography and from all of the sales from handmade creations with Kahana Jewellery will be donated to the Saskatoon Interval House. http://saskatoonintervalhouse.org/
A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to share about the jewellery that I create and my heart behind it.
I really struggled with that, because I don't really want my name to be associated with these things.. But I found out later that sharing actually spurred someone else to also donate some of their sales to a worthy cause. Which brings me to where I am now.. Really torn. I was meeting with a really wise woman the other day who in response to my struggle simply said, "If you want it to be about you, it will be. If you don't want it to be about you, it won't"
I think way too highly of myself. Who cares? Like seriously.. get a grip.
All I care about is spurring other people on to love and good deeds. If I have to feel like a pompous idiot just by sharing because I want to let others know that they can also use their God-given talents to be culture-changers, I accept that.
So please... forget my name. Forget my words.. just remember this:
"Whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me."
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
365 days of less.
I was just looking at the mess I call my room.. and wondering where to even start.
I have accumulated so many things, so much stuff. I really don't need all of it. It's dumb. Not to mention the fact that I don't use half of this stuff AND I know that my life will be so much less stressful with so much less clutter.
SO I did what any normal, sensible person would do. I asked Google.
I came across a blog (http://www.365lessthings.com) in which the blogger gets rid of something every day. I love it. I want to do it too. So I am. For the next year, I am going to give away or throw away something each new day.
I'll try to post a picture or post what I am getting rid of.. just as a way to keep myself accountable. We'll see how this goes.
Check out 365 Days of Less to watch the progress. Fingers crossed!
I have accumulated so many things, so much stuff. I really don't need all of it. It's dumb. Not to mention the fact that I don't use half of this stuff AND I know that my life will be so much less stressful with so much less clutter.
SO I did what any normal, sensible person would do. I asked Google.
I came across a blog (http://www.365lessthings.com) in which the blogger gets rid of something every day. I love it. I want to do it too. So I am. For the next year, I am going to give away or throw away something each new day.
I'll try to post a picture or post what I am getting rid of.. just as a way to keep myself accountable. We'll see how this goes.
Check out 365 Days of Less to watch the progress. Fingers crossed!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Renovations on a dungeon.
Down in the dumps.
Feeling blue.
Not quite myself.
One of my favourite characters puts it quite eloquently as being in the "depths of despair." (Thanks Anne Shirley)
One of the things that has always frustrated me in my life are those moments when the darkness creeps in.
The joy that I so easily embraced suddenly becomes contaminated by that tar-like void that seems to contaminate and seep so quickly that suddenly I am suffocating in a quicksand pit of despair, loneliness and depression.
"Why?" I always ask myself. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Yet, sometimes I do, but I don't know know how to change my behaviour. Instead, I allow the lies and shame to seep in further and isolate myself from people who love me, who can and want to pull me out of the pit.
A couple of dear friends have been challenging me by being transparent and sharing about their struggles. How often do I admit out loud that I don't know the answers, that I am struggling to even think about picking up my Bible, and *gasp*, sometimes I just don't want to go to church. Yet at the back of my mind, that truthful voice is telling me that this has been where I discovered my joy, love, freedom, family, salvation, hope, truth, grace and forgiveness for even the darkest, most shameful, disgraceful moments in my life.
I've been challenged and humbled by my own words. I've often said that we are weakest when we are isolated from each other. We were made for community, to grow together, to love together and to to be weak together, which actually makes us stronger. Yet, in the past couple of weeks, a true hypocrite, I have been isolating myself and avoiding the people that I need the most.
More of my hypocrisy: It would be so easy for me to spend an hour looking up wise words and think of spiritual ways to guide and help my fellow-downers through this journey. I would come up with an eloquent way to express how I had entered into and then defeated the darkness that I had supposedly now conquered.
I haven't conquered it. I won't. I'm not the one who will defeat it. Scratch that.. I'm not the one who HAS defeated it.
This post is not about my great thoughts or revelations on the Bible. This is about my weaknesses and being transparent.
I am still struggling.
So once again, challenged and humbled, I am writing to expose the darkness that has been overwhelming me and to ask for help. I can't do it on my own. I've been trying to do it that way for a long time. But it's so clear that that's not the way to do it.
Yet, in the midst of this pit of despair, there has been a peep hole of piercing light. It never fades, and the warmth that emanates from it is almost delightfully painful in comparison to the emotionless, cold, dark corner of the dungeon that I have chosen for myself.
God has never left my side, and I know that he is the reason for my hope and the peace that has never left my heart amidst all of the craziness that has happened in my entire life.
The beautiful thing is the simplicity of this truth and revelation that first broke through the wall around my heart( and it continues to do so every day) :
It is the moments like these, when we are shamed, naked, starving and covered in our own filth, that Jesus says, "Yes, I love you. I choose you."
And that is how my God turns my dungeon into a palace.
Feeling blue.
Not quite myself.
One of my favourite characters puts it quite eloquently as being in the "depths of despair." (Thanks Anne Shirley)
One of the things that has always frustrated me in my life are those moments when the darkness creeps in.
The joy that I so easily embraced suddenly becomes contaminated by that tar-like void that seems to contaminate and seep so quickly that suddenly I am suffocating in a quicksand pit of despair, loneliness and depression.
"Why?" I always ask myself. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Yet, sometimes I do, but I don't know know how to change my behaviour. Instead, I allow the lies and shame to seep in further and isolate myself from people who love me, who can and want to pull me out of the pit.
A couple of dear friends have been challenging me by being transparent and sharing about their struggles. How often do I admit out loud that I don't know the answers, that I am struggling to even think about picking up my Bible, and *gasp*, sometimes I just don't want to go to church. Yet at the back of my mind, that truthful voice is telling me that this has been where I discovered my joy, love, freedom, family, salvation, hope, truth, grace and forgiveness for even the darkest, most shameful, disgraceful moments in my life.
I've been challenged and humbled by my own words. I've often said that we are weakest when we are isolated from each other. We were made for community, to grow together, to love together and to to be weak together, which actually makes us stronger. Yet, in the past couple of weeks, a true hypocrite, I have been isolating myself and avoiding the people that I need the most.
More of my hypocrisy: It would be so easy for me to spend an hour looking up wise words and think of spiritual ways to guide and help my fellow-downers through this journey. I would come up with an eloquent way to express how I had entered into and then defeated the darkness that I had supposedly now conquered.
I haven't conquered it. I won't. I'm not the one who will defeat it. Scratch that.. I'm not the one who HAS defeated it.
This post is not about my great thoughts or revelations on the Bible. This is about my weaknesses and being transparent.
I am still struggling.
So once again, challenged and humbled, I am writing to expose the darkness that has been overwhelming me and to ask for help. I can't do it on my own. I've been trying to do it that way for a long time. But it's so clear that that's not the way to do it.
Yet, in the midst of this pit of despair, there has been a peep hole of piercing light. It never fades, and the warmth that emanates from it is almost delightfully painful in comparison to the emotionless, cold, dark corner of the dungeon that I have chosen for myself.
God has never left my side, and I know that he is the reason for my hope and the peace that has never left my heart amidst all of the craziness that has happened in my entire life.
The beautiful thing is the simplicity of this truth and revelation that first broke through the wall around my heart( and it continues to do so every day) :
It is the moments like these, when we are shamed, naked, starving and covered in our own filth, that Jesus says, "Yes, I love you. I choose you."
And that is how my God turns my dungeon into a palace.
Monday, December 3, 2012
What's going on with Ehjae?
What’s going on with Ehjae?
Many of you have been wondering this for the past little while. If you haven’t been, now you probably are.
Let me start off by saying that I have been through possibly the most topsy-turvy,
stressful, emotional, life-giving, spirit-filled, faith-testing, yet irrational
times of my life to date.
Yet, after that segue, I still feel like I don’t have the right words
to describe what I have been going through.
However, I am a person of many words.. too many words as
some of you are well aware, and I can’t keep this to myself because the things
that God has been doing have been too full of His goodness.
Some of you may have been aware that I went to Africa this
summer, then from there I moved out to BC. My original plan was that I would
work and then attend Trinity Western beginning in the fall of 2013.
After applying at more jobs than I have ever even considered
in my life prior to this, I got a job, however that fell apart quickly. I was
treated unfairly (and have yet to even receive pay for the work that I did do
there. (Don’t worry, I will contact the labour board if I still don’t have it
soon.)
What followed was one of the darkest times of my life. I couldn’t find work. I couldn’t find a place
to call my home. After being so loved
and allowed to love and minister to people at Ebenezer, I found it incredibly
difficult. I prayed that God would open my eyes to see where he would have me
serve in BC. I learned a lot about God’s
family. I was challenged in my
perspective of where and who I could call home and family. (I talked about this in a previous blog)
As I watched my bank account drain, in my moments of despair
and distress I was blessed to see that God is my provider. As money would miraculously appear from
someone, I would receive a generous discount on services, suddenly I would have
just enough for what I needed.
In the early days of me living in BC, I applied for a job at
an airline. I was very hopeful that
something would come of it, but unsure whether I was who they wanted. It was in the midst of a very dark time that
I heard back from them and was asked to fly to Calgary at my own expense to
interview for a possible opening. I pray
about it and I sensed within my heart that if I didn’t do it, I would regret
it. I also sensed that if I didn’t do
it, I would know that it would be because I didn’t trust that God would take
care of me. I was terrified of the extra costs of flying at my own expense, but
I knew that I should do it.
In that 2 day time frame of booking flights, packing and
ending up in Calgary, it just happened to work out that a friend of mine was
driving home for the weekend from Edmonton.
I bought a cheap bus pass and ended up at home unexpectedly.
While at home, I felt like God gave me a fresh
perspective. (Here's the blog post )
I was not choosing the joy
and peace that He offers to us every day.
I was choosing to see the negatives and the failures. I had chosen to see the worst of myself and
my situation. In that week, I was
reminded of my responsibility. It wasn’t
to find a job.. it was to trust God and choose joy. So, with new energy, I set out to do what I
could. If I couldn’t work, why not go to
Trinity in January? I applied to Trinity and waited to hear back. I was still not at peace about attending, but
I couldn’t know why that was, and I didn’t know what else to do. All I sensed when I prayed was that I was
supposed to WAIT.
I returned to BC rejuvenated and reminded of God’s
faithfulness. At this point, I was absolutely,
completely uncertain of what would come, but for once in my life, I wasn’t fazed
by that. God had shown up. I trusted
him. I knew that He would do good
things. So, we took it day by day..
There is nothing greater than sitting in the midst of chaos
and having utter peace because you know that the presence of the Lord is in
your midst and NOTHING can shake you. Nothing.
I decided that if walking with God in absolute faith for
each unknown upcoming moment but having this peace that literally
surpasses ALL kinds of understanding meant financial instability, looking absolutely irrationa,l
and life not always making sense..then I’d choose it every day for the rest of my life.
Once I came home, I realized that even though I thought my
lessons were over, God hadn’t even begun yet. We went on this journey of discovering
what it was that I actually want to do.
My answer has changed throughout the years, and I have never been able
to give a solid answer because the truth is that I didn’t know. I could come up with really great sounding
answers, but something never really felt quite right about the options I
allowed myself to consider.
I realized that life as a people-pleaser has made me
completely unable to make a decision based on what I actually want. I also realized that it’s not bad to have a
dream or a desire or to pursue them. I
guess I always thought that it was selfish on some level. I am learning
about choices.. choosing what direction to go, choosing joy over
despair, choosing truth over lies, choosing to protect myself from
words, situations and lies that hurt me.. and choosing to stand in the
authority of the truth of who I am in Christ over anything the enemy
tries to throw at me.
After isolating myself from people, and not allowing myself
to ask people for their opinions, I finally encountered a feeling of freedom in
deciding what I want to do.
So to answer your questions, I am back. I am going to pursue
my love of photography full-time. All cards in, fully committed to my dream. I
want a degree, so I’m going to study
business. I wanted to be back, and I’m allowed to want to be here. It’s not
selfish. It took me a long time to
realize that. I`m still realizing it.
There are so many things that God has been revealing to me
about myself. I need to grow in so many ways, it seems impossible when I think
about it. I know that I am SO far from
even grasping at where I would love to be. But then Holy Spirit comes in and
gives me that fresh, truthful perspective and reminds me that I can’t fix those
things on my own. In walking in faith,
trusting His word in humility and eager expectation, I know that God will
complete these current renovations in my life in His good timing. It’s just the beginning, and I am so ready
for what’s next.
A really crazy thing that happened was the day that I
decided that photography was what I wanted to do, and had just sent in my
application to study commerce, I
actually heard back from the airline that I had been successful and I had a job
offer! Of course, the rational response would be that I should’ve been jumping
at the opportunity. All that I saw
though was that I had finally figured out what I wanted to do, and pursuing
this crazy lifestyle change and working with the airline would have jeopardized
my dream and my desires. For the first
time in my life, I was able to make a solid decision based upon what I thought
would be best in my life, despite what would probably make more sense. What a huge opportunity! But it was the wrong
opportunity for me. So I graciously
turned down the job.
I am so full of joy. I am so full of thankfulness. I am so full of peace. Yet, I can’t actually describe the freedom and
this sense of knowing, TRULY KNOWING, that God is with me.
Thank you to those of you who have spoken truth to me. You have no idea how timely your words were or
how desperately I needed to be reminded of the things that you shared with
me. Know that you are a blessing and that
you have been God’s hands and feet and mouth of truth.
(If you’re wondering whether this is you, it probably is
you..)
I am still so far from where I need to be, or who I want to be. Now I at least know who I want to be, and I have this undying peace because I know without a doubt that beside me walks a God who loves me, delights in me and desires to be with me every step of the way.
I am still so far from where I need to be, or who I want to be. Now I at least know who I want to be, and I have this undying peace because I know without a doubt that beside me walks a God who loves me, delights in me and desires to be with me every step of the way.
Couple of things that spoke to me:
Prayers For All Seasons Sermon Series (Leyton and Scott)
Hebrews 12
Romans 8
Psalm 32
Psalm 136
Psalm 138
Psalm 23
(Pretty much the entire book of Psalms)
Forgotten God- Francis Chan
Friday, October 19, 2012
The Choice to Rejoice
I've been learning a lot about joy this year.
I've always known that joy was a gift that God gave to me. I have always been a pretty upbeat, optimistic person. But I guess I never really truly considered the responsibility and dedication that also needs to coincide with a natural tendency.
Have you ever heard the saying that our greatest gifts can also become our greatest weaknesses?
Joy is contagious. Even in the depths of despair there is something about a joyful person that lifts us up out of the ashes. Even in scripture we are told that the "joy of the Lord" is our strength. On the flip side, a negative person can instantly effect an entire room and bring everyone down with them. I disregarded the opportunity that I had to choose joy, and actual brought a lot of destruction and hurt down around me because of my careless, foolish and selfish behaviour.
The past couple of months have been really hard for me. If you've been following my blog, you know some of the obstacles that have come up and the challenges that I've been facing. None of the issues that I have had have been issues of a global proportion, but I would say that through the choices I made, I allowed these problems to shatter my world.
After arriving at my new home, only a couple weeks after returning from an amazing experience in Africa, I was full of anticipation and excitement for what the future would hold. I was energized and prepared to do whatever needed to happen to put my life into order.
However, job hunting proved to be rejection after rejection and failure after failure. My vehicle would break down and need to be taken for scrap, and I found myself growing weary and my heart becoming more and more like stone. As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, my optimism and zeal was a thing of the past. My energy, excitement and motivation had been replaced by utter despair, disappointment and frustration. This doesn't just happen, it's a choice. We either choose to perservere or we choose to despair.
All the truths that I have grown to know about God were still true. But I despised those truths. Instead of rejoicing in an opportunity for character and spiritual growth, I was consumed by resentment about God's faithfulness. Instead of encouraging me to perservere, I was incensed and enraged. Statements such as "I'm tired of you having to be faithful", "I am tired of learning these lessons" were common in my thoughts and even in the few prayers that I so kindly offered up to the loving God who thought so much of me that He was willing to die for me. Even as I write these words, I am so ashamed. How incredibly self-righteous and pretentious of me. How.. human of me. And God being God... was patient, forgiving and He listened to every ungrateful word that I screamed, maliciously thought or grumbled at Him.
God being God also knew what I needed. Despite my conditional feelings towards Him, He remained as true as He always has. He remained my Provider, and my Caregiver, and my Counsellor, and my Father. In the midst of what I viewed as a financial crisis, there seemed to somehow be just enough, or something would come up and I would realize there were just enough funds for another day, or just to cover the next upcoming deadline.
But more than that, what God knew was how desperately I needed to be home. Through a series of seemingly random, yet perfect events I arrived back in Saskatoon on Friday, October 5th. I was exhausted, burnt out and a pretty angry version of myself.
God began the renovations immediately. I went back to church on Sunday to discover that instead of hearing a sermon, we would hear three incredible stories of God's faithfulness in the lives of three different families from Ebenezer.
At the end of the service. I didn't know what to feel. The Holy Spirit was doing something in me and I couldn't quite put words to it, but all I knew was that I wanted to cry. I was so convicted by my selfish, limited view of God and so incredibly blessed, challenged, encouraged by and thankful for these amazing people who had walked through fire and seemingly hopeless situations and yet they refused to deny God's faithfulness, unconditional love and provision and eternal kindness towards them. They had faced adversity, despair, and crisis and instead of choosing to allow the darkness to consume they chose Christ. They chose joy.
That's when I realized that it wasn't my situation that sucked, it was my attitude that needed to change.
Joy isn't a feeling. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, it is fleeting and circumstantial. Joy is deep and abiding and it remains throughout the most darkest of times IF we choose joy.
The funny thing too is that when we choose joy, the remarkable effect seems to be that happiness suddenly seems to return.
In the same way, hope is a choice. In the darkest moments of our lives, hope is what brings light to the truth. But make the choice to allow hopelessness to reside and it will consume us and eat us from the inside out.
A passage that I memorized eons ago in quizzing has always stuck by me and I have repeated it in the darkest of times.
We REJOICE in our sufferings. HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT because God's love goes with us by His Spirit, who walks with us through EVERY moment, every valley, every rejection and every uncertainty.
I can't tell you that I now know what I am going to be doing. I can't tell you that my situation has changed. What I can tell you is that there is a loving God who actually cares about every detail in my life, who listens to my every thought and every cry- even if I am insulting and ungrateful, and he even loves me just the same.
I don't deserve any of this. I know that. I've never deserved it. Now, I couldn't deserve his love, faithfulness, redemption or forgiveness any less. I wish I could say that from now on I will respond in eternal gratitude but I am ashamed to admit that I know I'm going to fall so very short, probably sooner than I would like to consider.
So, for now, all I can do is share this story of His faithfulness and loving kindness and hope that doing so might spur some of you to break out of a similar mindset, and to meet face to face with the God who called you by name and raised you from the ashes to call you His child.
My story isn't over, and you can be sure that there will be more to tell.
I don't exactly know how to end this other than to point you to Hebrews Chapter 12. Yes, read the entire chapter. It's good and it has spoken straight to my heart in the midst of my situation.
I have gone from being consumed and immersed in darkness to allowing God to consume me with His love.
I've always known that joy was a gift that God gave to me. I have always been a pretty upbeat, optimistic person. But I guess I never really truly considered the responsibility and dedication that also needs to coincide with a natural tendency.
Have you ever heard the saying that our greatest gifts can also become our greatest weaknesses?
Joy is contagious. Even in the depths of despair there is something about a joyful person that lifts us up out of the ashes. Even in scripture we are told that the "joy of the Lord" is our strength. On the flip side, a negative person can instantly effect an entire room and bring everyone down with them. I disregarded the opportunity that I had to choose joy, and actual brought a lot of destruction and hurt down around me because of my careless, foolish and selfish behaviour.
The past couple of months have been really hard for me. If you've been following my blog, you know some of the obstacles that have come up and the challenges that I've been facing. None of the issues that I have had have been issues of a global proportion, but I would say that through the choices I made, I allowed these problems to shatter my world.
After arriving at my new home, only a couple weeks after returning from an amazing experience in Africa, I was full of anticipation and excitement for what the future would hold. I was energized and prepared to do whatever needed to happen to put my life into order.
However, job hunting proved to be rejection after rejection and failure after failure. My vehicle would break down and need to be taken for scrap, and I found myself growing weary and my heart becoming more and more like stone. As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, my optimism and zeal was a thing of the past. My energy, excitement and motivation had been replaced by utter despair, disappointment and frustration. This doesn't just happen, it's a choice. We either choose to perservere or we choose to despair.
All the truths that I have grown to know about God were still true. But I despised those truths. Instead of rejoicing in an opportunity for character and spiritual growth, I was consumed by resentment about God's faithfulness. Instead of encouraging me to perservere, I was incensed and enraged. Statements such as "I'm tired of you having to be faithful", "I am tired of learning these lessons" were common in my thoughts and even in the few prayers that I so kindly offered up to the loving God who thought so much of me that He was willing to die for me. Even as I write these words, I am so ashamed. How incredibly self-righteous and pretentious of me. How.. human of me. And God being God... was patient, forgiving and He listened to every ungrateful word that I screamed, maliciously thought or grumbled at Him.
God being God also knew what I needed. Despite my conditional feelings towards Him, He remained as true as He always has. He remained my Provider, and my Caregiver, and my Counsellor, and my Father. In the midst of what I viewed as a financial crisis, there seemed to somehow be just enough, or something would come up and I would realize there were just enough funds for another day, or just to cover the next upcoming deadline.
But more than that, what God knew was how desperately I needed to be home. Through a series of seemingly random, yet perfect events I arrived back in Saskatoon on Friday, October 5th. I was exhausted, burnt out and a pretty angry version of myself.
God began the renovations immediately. I went back to church on Sunday to discover that instead of hearing a sermon, we would hear three incredible stories of God's faithfulness in the lives of three different families from Ebenezer.
At the end of the service. I didn't know what to feel. The Holy Spirit was doing something in me and I couldn't quite put words to it, but all I knew was that I wanted to cry. I was so convicted by my selfish, limited view of God and so incredibly blessed, challenged, encouraged by and thankful for these amazing people who had walked through fire and seemingly hopeless situations and yet they refused to deny God's faithfulness, unconditional love and provision and eternal kindness towards them. They had faced adversity, despair, and crisis and instead of choosing to allow the darkness to consume they chose Christ. They chose joy.
That's when I realized that it wasn't my situation that sucked, it was my attitude that needed to change.
Joy isn't a feeling. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, it is fleeting and circumstantial. Joy is deep and abiding and it remains throughout the most darkest of times IF we choose joy.
The funny thing too is that when we choose joy, the remarkable effect seems to be that happiness suddenly seems to return.
In the same way, hope is a choice. In the darkest moments of our lives, hope is what brings light to the truth. But make the choice to allow hopelessness to reside and it will consume us and eat us from the inside out.
A passage that I memorized eons ago in quizzing has always stuck by me and I have repeated it in the darkest of times.
"Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perserverance, perserverance character and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5
We REJOICE in our sufferings. HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT because God's love goes with us by His Spirit, who walks with us through EVERY moment, every valley, every rejection and every uncertainty.
I can't tell you that I now know what I am going to be doing. I can't tell you that my situation has changed. What I can tell you is that there is a loving God who actually cares about every detail in my life, who listens to my every thought and every cry- even if I am insulting and ungrateful, and he even loves me just the same.
I don't deserve any of this. I know that. I've never deserved it. Now, I couldn't deserve his love, faithfulness, redemption or forgiveness any less. I wish I could say that from now on I will respond in eternal gratitude but I am ashamed to admit that I know I'm going to fall so very short, probably sooner than I would like to consider.
So, for now, all I can do is share this story of His faithfulness and loving kindness and hope that doing so might spur some of you to break out of a similar mindset, and to meet face to face with the God who called you by name and raised you from the ashes to call you His child.
My story isn't over, and you can be sure that there will be more to tell.
I don't exactly know how to end this other than to point you to Hebrews Chapter 12. Yes, read the entire chapter. It's good and it has spoken straight to my heart in the midst of my situation.
I have gone from being consumed and immersed in darkness to allowing God to consume me with His love.
So..... what is consuming you?
"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.” vs 28-29
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Trust and Obey
The past year has required a lot of trust and obedience from me.
I don't know how many times God has gently answered me with "just trust me."
It has always been a genuine comfort.. usually resulting in tears and repentance of some kind. Until very recently, for a couple of weeks, I would respond with a mental temper tantrum. "I don't want to trust. I don't want you to need to be faithful. I'm tired of you being faithful. I'm tired of you putting me in situations where you can be faithful. This is dumb. You're dumb. My life is dumb. " (I'm obviously really mature)
In all honesty, I was tired and exhausted because I wasn't trusting at all.. so I was putting a lot of effort in to try and make things work out for myself.
Almost exactly a year ago, I felt like I had clarity that I would be here this year. I figured it would be because I was going to be pursuing my studies at Trinity Western. But as the year went on, I realized that it wasn't for Trinity, although as far as I know I will be attending next year. I knew with absolute certainty that I was to move here, but I didn't know why. I just felt peace about it.
So here I am. It doesn't make any logical sense.
Some days I am so lonely for my home, for my family, for my friends and for my church family.
A lot has happened. I think I need to share it because it's pretty cool how God provides for us.
Very soon after I arrived, my van broke down. I was pretty upset because Big Red has been with me since the beginning and she's served me well. More than that, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the extra costs. So goodbye Big Red :(
I was a little scared by the economy out here. I put out like a million resumes, but was encouraged when a pretty big company hired me. It seemed like a crazy process, but I was positive and ready to start working. They asked for my full availability and assured me that I would be able to get full time hours if I wanted. A month after being hired, they had only been giving me around 2 hrs of "training" a week and I was desperately trying to pass all of their "requirements" to actually start working for real. I actually started applying for other jobs. I think that was because I knew that I wasn't supposed to be working for them. After stringing me along, they informed me that they didn't see a "future with me in the company." At least this way, I will finally have a paycheque in my hands after working my butt off for almost nothing for them.
I had been pretty confident in my abilities as a server, and this pretty much destroyed my confidence. I wasn't upset that I wouldn't be working for them, I was more upset that they didn't want me.
It was really demoralizing for me and in a way, my self-esteem has been decimated. I have never felt so rejected by so many companies and so completely useless.
I was in a pretty dark place for a while. I'm just so thankful for John who has been patient and understanding and supportive of me even when I was a complete jerk to him.
It really turned around when I realized that I had $10.74 in my bank account. I freaked out because I was trying to trust that God would provide, but it really didn't seem like he was.
But here is a list of things that happened in the week that followed:
-I got $ for Big Red's funeral.. she was crushed. (I couldn't afford a grave).... Flowers can be sent to Ford in Memorandum
-I was contacted by the sweet woman who manages finances at Valley View and was informed that my dear friends there wanted to bless me with some more money
-I found an old paycheque
-In the span of one week, I spoke with 2 very dear friends from home on the phone and actually got a special visit from another. I had been incredibly lonely and somewhat homesick for my people back in Sk, so it was exactly what I needed.
-I left the worst job situation I have ever encountered to date. I can't explain the freedom that I felt after being released from that prison. I didn't see it while I was there, because I was trying so hard to be positive, but I am so thankful that God has something different in store for me.
-I made a video about the Uganda trip to be played at my home church.
The video is about God's family and how His people are all my family no matter where I go. (I posted it at the bottom)
The same Sunday that my Uganda team family was playing that video at my Ebenezer church, the church that John and I have been attending was focusing on what being a member of God's family together is like.
How crazy is that? I know some people would think that is a coincidence, but I know better. That was God's words of encouragement to me.
I knew I would be leaving after a year at Ebenezer, but in spite of that, I really wanted to invest everything I could to my family there. I knew it would be hard to leave, but I'm thankful that it was such a hard tear to make. My heart is broken by the separation, yet joyful for having been there and encountered what God was and is still doing there.
I do miss my family. I miss Ebenezer and I miss being a part of it there. But I have an opportunity to be a part of this church here, and I've already been asked to serve in youth ministry, which is where my heart beats.
Just now I had a quick conversation with a fellow YWAMer about being called into something new. He's pretty much found himself called to move, just like I did. I don't think it's a coincidence for either of us that God led us to have this conversation. I needed the reminder of why I am here and what God called me to do in trusting and obeying him in the first place.
So once again, I am reminded of how important we are to each other in God's family, no matter where we are or what we are doing. He is with us. He knows our need and he will never leave us, no matter how dark the road, or how many temper tantrums we might throw in His face. AND no matter where we go, there will always be His hands and feet, or ears, or mouths who are speaking His words to us for Him.
I don't know how many times God has gently answered me with "just trust me."
It has always been a genuine comfort.. usually resulting in tears and repentance of some kind. Until very recently, for a couple of weeks, I would respond with a mental temper tantrum. "I don't want to trust. I don't want you to need to be faithful. I'm tired of you being faithful. I'm tired of you putting me in situations where you can be faithful. This is dumb. You're dumb. My life is dumb. " (I'm obviously really mature)
In all honesty, I was tired and exhausted because I wasn't trusting at all.. so I was putting a lot of effort in to try and make things work out for myself.
Almost exactly a year ago, I felt like I had clarity that I would be here this year. I figured it would be because I was going to be pursuing my studies at Trinity Western. But as the year went on, I realized that it wasn't for Trinity, although as far as I know I will be attending next year. I knew with absolute certainty that I was to move here, but I didn't know why. I just felt peace about it.
So here I am. It doesn't make any logical sense.
Some days I am so lonely for my home, for my family, for my friends and for my church family.
A lot has happened. I think I need to share it because it's pretty cool how God provides for us.
Very soon after I arrived, my van broke down. I was pretty upset because Big Red has been with me since the beginning and she's served me well. More than that, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the extra costs. So goodbye Big Red :(
I was a little scared by the economy out here. I put out like a million resumes, but was encouraged when a pretty big company hired me. It seemed like a crazy process, but I was positive and ready to start working. They asked for my full availability and assured me that I would be able to get full time hours if I wanted. A month after being hired, they had only been giving me around 2 hrs of "training" a week and I was desperately trying to pass all of their "requirements" to actually start working for real. I actually started applying for other jobs. I think that was because I knew that I wasn't supposed to be working for them. After stringing me along, they informed me that they didn't see a "future with me in the company." At least this way, I will finally have a paycheque in my hands after working my butt off for almost nothing for them.
I had been pretty confident in my abilities as a server, and this pretty much destroyed my confidence. I wasn't upset that I wouldn't be working for them, I was more upset that they didn't want me.
It was really demoralizing for me and in a way, my self-esteem has been decimated. I have never felt so rejected by so many companies and so completely useless.
I was in a pretty dark place for a while. I'm just so thankful for John who has been patient and understanding and supportive of me even when I was a complete jerk to him.
It really turned around when I realized that I had $10.74 in my bank account. I freaked out because I was trying to trust that God would provide, but it really didn't seem like he was.
But here is a list of things that happened in the week that followed:
-I got $ for Big Red's funeral.. she was crushed. (I couldn't afford a grave).... Flowers can be sent to Ford in Memorandum
-I was contacted by the sweet woman who manages finances at Valley View and was informed that my dear friends there wanted to bless me with some more money
-I found an old paycheque
-In the span of one week, I spoke with 2 very dear friends from home on the phone and actually got a special visit from another. I had been incredibly lonely and somewhat homesick for my people back in Sk, so it was exactly what I needed.
-I left the worst job situation I have ever encountered to date. I can't explain the freedom that I felt after being released from that prison. I didn't see it while I was there, because I was trying so hard to be positive, but I am so thankful that God has something different in store for me.
-I made a video about the Uganda trip to be played at my home church.
The video is about God's family and how His people are all my family no matter where I go. (I posted it at the bottom)
The same Sunday that my Uganda team family was playing that video at my Ebenezer church, the church that John and I have been attending was focusing on what being a member of God's family together is like.
How crazy is that? I know some people would think that is a coincidence, but I know better. That was God's words of encouragement to me.
I knew I would be leaving after a year at Ebenezer, but in spite of that, I really wanted to invest everything I could to my family there. I knew it would be hard to leave, but I'm thankful that it was such a hard tear to make. My heart is broken by the separation, yet joyful for having been there and encountered what God was and is still doing there.
I do miss my family. I miss Ebenezer and I miss being a part of it there. But I have an opportunity to be a part of this church here, and I've already been asked to serve in youth ministry, which is where my heart beats.
Just now I had a quick conversation with a fellow YWAMer about being called into something new. He's pretty much found himself called to move, just like I did. I don't think it's a coincidence for either of us that God led us to have this conversation. I needed the reminder of why I am here and what God called me to do in trusting and obeying him in the first place.
So once again, I am reminded of how important we are to each other in God's family, no matter where we are or what we are doing. He is with us. He knows our need and he will never leave us, no matter how dark the road, or how many temper tantrums we might throw in His face. AND no matter where we go, there will always be His hands and feet, or ears, or mouths who are speaking His words to us for Him.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
My Crazy Night...
Tonight I couldn't sleep. I was restless. I got up to have a drink of water. Then I got up to have a snack. I looked at the clock and it was getting later and later. Finally at 1:40 I went to turn on the furnace, I thought that maybe the reason I was still awake was because I was freezing.
I opened the furnace vent in my room and immediately I smelled the smell of natural gas.
I went downstairs to investigate and was welcomed by a wall of heavy air. It was so bad that my eyes started watering. I woke Kaylee up to ask her if she smelled it too, and once she was actually awake, she agreed with me.
So I did what every good daughter would do, I woke my father up at 2:00am and asked for his superpowers. He came over and checked things out. Of course it didn't smell as strong by the time he arrived, but lucky for me he is a smart cookie and brought over a Carbon Monoxide detector. I felt really bad about dragging him out of bed, but he assured me that it's better to be safe than sorry.
He left and Kaylee and I went back to attempt at slumber. At about 2:40, the detector started yelling at us. I called my dad and he turned around to come back. It actually went off again while he was on his way over.
Here's a crazy thing.
My dad texted me at 2:42am to remind me not to hesitate to call if anything happened.
At that exact moment, at 2:42am, I was calling my dad to tell him the alarm was going off.
It was like he knew.
We called in a guy who came in to check out the furnace and he informed us that there was indeed a leak, and it had nothing to do with the furnace being on or not. He said there was definitely Carbon monoxide in the house, and that the wall I spoke about was probably the monoxide working it's way upstairs. (He promptly turned off the natural gas, if you are wondering)
Here is how this night is a night to be thankful to God for.
I was not supposed to be here tonight. Technically, I was supposed to be out of the house. Kaylee would've been here by herself and wouldn't have been woken up by the smell.
I have been exhausted by my recent trip to Africa, and have been falling asleep at a very early hour (for me) every night since I returned.. about 11:30 at the latest. Tonight for some reason, I just couldn't sleep, no matter what I tried.
If I hadn't been as awake as I was, I wouldn't have tried turning the heat on, and thus I wouldn't have noticed the smell, and potentially the C0 would've just gradually leaked upstairs.
Kaylee and I had just closed all of the windows and doors, so if I had fallen asleep tonight, we both probably wouldn't have ever woken up again.
And how in the world at exactly 2:42am did my dad just seem to know to text me? At the same moment that I was calling to tell him something actually was wrong.
There are just too many things about tonight that remind me that there is a good God who loves me and is watching over me. I know that some of you reading this might question that and think that I'm compiling coincidences and making a big deal out of nothing. All I can tell you is that I firmly believe that there was a very good chance that I could've died tonight, and what kept me and Kaylee alive was completely out of our control.
Some of you might just think this is a crazy story... but all I know is that I'm even more sure that God is real, He is Good, and He is powerful.
I opened the furnace vent in my room and immediately I smelled the smell of natural gas.
I went downstairs to investigate and was welcomed by a wall of heavy air. It was so bad that my eyes started watering. I woke Kaylee up to ask her if she smelled it too, and once she was actually awake, she agreed with me.
So I did what every good daughter would do, I woke my father up at 2:00am and asked for his superpowers. He came over and checked things out. Of course it didn't smell as strong by the time he arrived, but lucky for me he is a smart cookie and brought over a Carbon Monoxide detector. I felt really bad about dragging him out of bed, but he assured me that it's better to be safe than sorry.
He left and Kaylee and I went back to attempt at slumber. At about 2:40, the detector started yelling at us. I called my dad and he turned around to come back. It actually went off again while he was on his way over.
Here's a crazy thing.
My dad texted me at 2:42am to remind me not to hesitate to call if anything happened.
At that exact moment, at 2:42am, I was calling my dad to tell him the alarm was going off.
It was like he knew.
We called in a guy who came in to check out the furnace and he informed us that there was indeed a leak, and it had nothing to do with the furnace being on or not. He said there was definitely Carbon monoxide in the house, and that the wall I spoke about was probably the monoxide working it's way upstairs. (He promptly turned off the natural gas, if you are wondering)
Here is how this night is a night to be thankful to God for.
I was not supposed to be here tonight. Technically, I was supposed to be out of the house. Kaylee would've been here by herself and wouldn't have been woken up by the smell.
I have been exhausted by my recent trip to Africa, and have been falling asleep at a very early hour (for me) every night since I returned.. about 11:30 at the latest. Tonight for some reason, I just couldn't sleep, no matter what I tried.
If I hadn't been as awake as I was, I wouldn't have tried turning the heat on, and thus I wouldn't have noticed the smell, and potentially the C0 would've just gradually leaked upstairs.
Kaylee and I had just closed all of the windows and doors, so if I had fallen asleep tonight, we both probably wouldn't have ever woken up again.
And how in the world at exactly 2:42am did my dad just seem to know to text me? At the same moment that I was calling to tell him something actually was wrong.
There are just too many things about tonight that remind me that there is a good God who loves me and is watching over me. I know that some of you reading this might question that and think that I'm compiling coincidences and making a big deal out of nothing. All I can tell you is that I firmly believe that there was a very good chance that I could've died tonight, and what kept me and Kaylee alive was completely out of our control.
Some of you might just think this is a crazy story... but all I know is that I'm even more sure that God is real, He is Good, and He is powerful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)