wow.

Step out in faith

FAITH




To be honest, I have been struggling so much with this.  


Often we think of this word as meaning "belief in someone or something.."  The top definition in the dictionary is in fact "confidence or trust in someone or something"


My 'faith' in the sense of believing in God, believing that he exists and that Jesus came and died... that has not waivered.


My 'faith' in the second sense of trusting him- that is where the epic fail is. 


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6


This verse is well known, and yet when God brought this one to me the other day, it still made me cry. When was the last time I trusted God with all of my heart, with all of the things that are embedded within my heart? 


When was the last time I NEEDED God? Truly allowed myself to need him?  I am so independent. I am strong. I can do it. I don't need anyone.  
NEED= vulnerability. Who in their right mind chooses to be vulnerable? Living in a country where my needs are limited. I am limited to living a life with everything I could possibly ever NEED, yet a dry life with dry spirit NEEDING God's fullness of life.


How do I choose to need God? What a weird question.  "Ehjae, obviously everyone needs God, you can't choose to need him. You already do."


Isn't it easy to NOT need God? Isn't it easy to make choices that bring us all we could ever need? And if we go to church and fill our quota of spiritual deeds, we can get by, living on autopilot; especially if the church we go to isn't focused on the conviction of sins- but on preaching comfortable messages that make us feel good. 


Take a good look at your life.  RUN! Run away from things that make you comfortable. RUN away from things that bring you relief and keep you from NEEDING GOD.  RUN to God's embrace. RUN for his glory. 


I am not saying that you should go home today, grab all your clothes and food, throw it on the streets and sell your house and belongings so that you can live in poverty.  I am saying that we should look inwardly, evaluate; what is it that we possess today that is keeping us from realizing our NEED for God?
I am saying that for those of you who are currently living in NEED.. God will provide. Allow him to. Do not live in stubborn independence. 


I am not saying that you should quit your job.  But evaluate; where is God in your job? Are you actively pursuing Him through what you do? Maybe you should make some choices to bring Him into that part of your life. Maybe you should spend less time in the corporate world and more time seeking Him with your family. 
  


As for trusting Him, I struggle with this. I am currently struggling with this. It's so easy to say that we NEED him, but how can we drop all these things if we don't trust that he will provide for us? How can I go on if I don't know that the path I am on is one that he marked out?


He gave me these words from His scripture:
"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3


My challenge has become this:
1. What are my needs? Lay them before the LORD. I desire to give everything to Him.. I am trying to force myself to trust him.  In my heart, I know that He is faithful and that there is no better place to go.. Where else could I bring my problems? 


2. Expect a blessing.  When I was in high school, heading to an extremely uncomfortable situation, my mom prayed with me, marked me with the sign of a cross, kissed my forehead and said, "Expect a blessing" I went, expecting God to perform some great miracle.  It was still an incredibly uncomfortable experience.  No miracle. One wrought with pain, tears and frustration.. but God was faithful, and I have never forgotten that weekend because of his fulfillment on my expectations, simply through his comforting presence and small reminders of his love.


"Wait in Expectation" vs 3... expect that God will hear your prayers and act.  He will provide. 



This reminds me of the scene in Indiana Jones The Last Crusade, when Indiana is standing over a canyon, wondering how to get across, and he finally steps out in faith, not knowing what to expect.  He holds out his leg and steps down... onto an invisible bridge which takes him across. 


Sometimes I feel like I am at the edge looking down into a pit of hopelessness, the unknown, and a world of hurt.  Why would God bring me so far, just to have me stuck at the edge here?
I'm terrified. But God has something here for me.  I just have to step out and trust that it's here, even if I can't see it.


We have to take the step.  God has provided the way, even if we can't see it, but it won't help us unless we trust that it's there.  




Writing this down has spoken to me more than it probably has for anyone else.  Funny how God works. 

Not This year...

The dates for the trip to Haiti have been finalized... and I can't go.

I am surprisingly ok about it.  I promised some friends that I would play piano for their wedding, the date of which falls smack dab in the middle of the trip.

I think more than anything, I am simply confused.  Why do I continually try to go on these trips? Why do I feel like God is saying "Yes" when it ends up being "No."

I am yearning to find a reason.. some lesson that I should be learning from this.  If it's about trust, I could almost scream!

How many lessons do I need to learn about trust? I can answer that question for myself.. "As many as it takes."

Regardless of the countless times I have had similar experiences, specifically with missions work-- I could tell stories about how each trip ends up not working and I look up with a smile on my face and tell myself, "God has something better planned. I just don't see it yet."

Somedays, I'm tired of looking to see what the "something better" is. Somedays, I'm tired of being so passionate. Perhaps that's why apathy is slowly seeping into my being.

GOD! show me...

What in the World am I doing?

Have you ever wondered what is the point of having dreams and aspirations?

This is an on-going stand-off between me and God. Well, at least I see it that way.

The past few months have been a battle for me. I wake up in the morning desiring fellowship with God, a renewal, and to once again feel that intimacy with Him that seems so long past. I know that I am the one who moved, who changed. God is always the same, today, yesterday.. forever. I know it's me. But I don't know how or when it happened, or how to find that again.

I am a dreamer. When I was a little girl, I would crawl into little spaces or sit at the windowsill and simply dream. I would dream of my life and what it could be. Sometimes this consisted of me possessing superpowers, or having friends the size of my fingers, or friends the size of a two story building, or being in the Olympics. Many times, it consisted of me travelling, speaking and walking with Jesus and being a part of something bigger than myself.

At any rate, I dreamt about my life- and for the most part, I truly believed that anything could become of it. Now, obviously having superpowers or Gulliver's travels type friends are not a reality. But as I grew older, I realized that I could be a part of something greater than me.

Now after years and years of trying to get involved with trip after trip, yearning to learn about missions across the world, and the number of trips I have been involved with: 0.

I know what you're thinking, well Ehjae, get on that. Just book a flight and go somewhere!

Seriously, I've tried. But each time, I had a strong sense from God to wait.

This year, it was different. Last spring, when my friends were telling me about a school in Haiti that they travel to each year, once again it rose up within me. That call to missions, that overwhelming sense of urgency; that I needed to get involved. This trip made sense. I can speak french, I love kids, it's a short trip and the timeline works out perfectly with my job. (I lead a youth group, so my commitment is to them.)

After the disastrous earthquake that rocked the nation of Haiti on January 12, 2010, my sense of urgency to go was magnified. I thought to myself, "This confirms it. I am going."

What I didn't realize was the extent that it would actually effect our trip.

The dates for the trip have changed and I no longer know if I will be able to go because I have a commitment to the youth group, and I put them first. I don't want to leave unless it is a good time for them as well. The cost for the trip looks like it is going to double as well.. we don't know for sure, but that's just another thing freaking me out now.

In the past month several factors have changed. My van needed to be fixed, and ended up costing over $1000. There have been other unforeseen costs with life that would've been ok, but because of the van, I am now having to use the money I saved up for the trip to pay off debt.

So here I sit, wondering, "What in the world am I doing?"

On one hand, I am tempted to look back at my past and get angry with God. "Why is this happening again? Why did you put this unceasing urgency and desire for cross cultural ministry and yet you continuously keep me from going!? I tried to be responsible, I saved up the money, and now it's going to something totally different."

But, in my heart I know that I can trust him. It's just really hard. I have this God-given love for something, and yet he tells me that I can't go. Not yet.

I don't know what he has planned for this year. I may still go on the trip to Haiti. Right now I am in the midst of a story that tells of God's goodness and faithfulness. It's hard to see that until the rest of the chapter is written.

All I know is that God is calling me to trust him; to trust him with the finances; to trust him with the dates and times. To trust him with my life. To trust him with my dreams.

They are from him after all.

I look forward to sharing the end of this chapter with you, and telling you all about how God's goodness and faithfulness was displayed through these events in my life. Whether I go to Haiti or not will be up to him, and as much as it hurts to say this right now....

I do know that if I don't go.. he has a reason. It's hard to accept that though.

Waiting and really seeking to trust Him,

Ehjae