The Choice to Rejoice

I've been learning a lot about joy this year. 

I've always known that joy was a gift that God gave to me. I have always been a pretty upbeat, optimistic person.  But I guess I never really truly considered the responsibility and dedication that also needs to coincide with a natural tendency.

Have you ever heard the saying that our greatest gifts can also become our greatest weaknesses?

Joy is contagious. Even in the depths of despair there is something about a joyful person that lifts us up out of the ashes. Even in scripture we are told that the "joy of the Lord" is our strength.  On the flip side, a negative person can instantly effect an entire room and bring everyone down with them.  I disregarded the opportunity that I had to choose joy, and actual brought a lot of destruction and hurt down around me because of my careless, foolish and selfish behaviour.

The past couple of months have been really hard for me.  If you've been following my blog, you know some of the obstacles that have come up and the challenges that I've been facing.  None of the issues that I have had have been issues of a global proportion, but I would say that through the choices I made, I allowed these problems to shatter my world.

After arriving at my new home, only a couple weeks after returning from an amazing experience in Africa, I was full of anticipation and excitement for what the future would hold.  I was energized and prepared to do whatever needed to happen to put my life into order. 

However, job hunting proved to be rejection after rejection and failure after failure.  My vehicle would break down and need to be taken for scrap, and I found myself growing weary and my heart becoming more and more like stone. As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, my optimism and zeal was a thing of the past. My energy, excitement and motivation had been replaced by utter despair, disappointment and frustration. This doesn't just happen, it's a choice. We either choose to perservere or we choose to despair.

All the truths that I have grown to know about God were still true. But I despised those truths.  Instead of rejoicing in an opportunity for character and spiritual growth, I was consumed by resentment about God's faithfulness.  Instead of encouraging me to perservere, I was incensed and enraged.  Statements such as "I'm tired of you having to be faithful", "I am tired of learning these lessons" were common in my thoughts and even in the few prayers that I so kindly offered up to the loving God who thought so much of me that He was willing to die for me.  Even as I write these words, I am so ashamed.  How incredibly self-righteous and pretentious of me. How.. human of me. And God being God... was patient, forgiving and He listened to every ungrateful word that I screamed, maliciously thought or grumbled at Him.

God being God also knew what I needed.  Despite my conditional feelings towards Him, He remained as true as He always has. He remained my Provider, and my Caregiver, and my Counsellor, and my Father. In the midst of what I viewed as a financial crisis, there seemed to somehow be just enough, or something would come up and I would realize there were just enough funds for another day, or just to cover the next upcoming deadline.

But more than that, what God knew was how desperately I needed to be home. Through a series of seemingly random, yet perfect events I arrived back in Saskatoon on Friday, October 5th.  I was exhausted, burnt out and a pretty angry version of myself.

God began the renovations immediately.  I went back to church on Sunday to discover that instead of hearing a sermon, we would hear three incredible stories of God's faithfulness in the lives of three different families from Ebenezer.

At the end of the service. I didn't know what to feel. The Holy Spirit was doing something in me and I couldn't quite put words to it, but all I knew was that I wanted to cry.  I was so convicted by my selfish, limited view of God and so incredibly blessed, challenged, encouraged by and thankful for these amazing people who had walked through fire and seemingly hopeless situations and yet they refused to deny God's faithfulness, unconditional love and provision and eternal kindness towards them.  They had faced adversity, despair, and crisis and instead of choosing to allow the darkness to consume they chose Christ.  They chose joy.

That's when I realized that it wasn't my situation that sucked, it was my attitude that needed to change.

Joy isn't a feeling. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, it is fleeting and circumstantial. Joy is deep and abiding and it remains throughout the most darkest of times IF we choose joy.
The funny thing too is that when we choose joy, the remarkable effect seems to be that happiness suddenly seems to return.

In the same way, hope is a choice. In the darkest moments of our lives, hope is what brings light to the truth.  But make the choice to allow hopelessness to reside and it will consume us and eat us from the inside out.

A passage that I memorized eons ago in quizzing has always stuck by me and I have repeated it in the darkest of times.

"Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perserverance, perserverance character and character hope.  And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

We REJOICE in our sufferings. HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT because God's love goes with us by His Spirit, who walks with us through EVERY moment, every valley, every rejection and every uncertainty.

I can't tell you that I now know what I am going to be doing. I can't tell you that my situation has changed.  What I can tell you is that there is a loving God who actually cares about every detail in my life, who listens to my every thought and every cry- even if I am insulting and ungrateful, and he even loves me just the same.

I don't deserve any of this. I know that. I've never deserved it. Now, I couldn't deserve his love, faithfulness, redemption or forgiveness any less. I wish I could say that from now on I will respond in eternal gratitude but I am ashamed to admit that I know I'm going to fall so very short, probably sooner than I would like to consider.

So, for now, all I can do is share this story of His faithfulness and loving kindness and hope that doing so might spur some of you to break out of a similar mindset, and to meet face to face with the God who called you by name and raised you from the ashes to call you His child.

My story isn't over, and you can be sure that there will be more to tell.

I don't exactly know how to end this other than to point you to Hebrews Chapter 12.  Yes, read the entire chapter. It's good and it has spoken straight to my heart in the midst of my situation.

I have gone from being consumed and immersed in darkness to allowing God to consume me with His love.

So..... what is consuming you?

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.” vs  28-29

Trust and Obey

The past year has required a lot of trust and obedience from me.

I don't know how many times God has gently answered me with "just trust me."

It has always been a genuine comfort.. usually resulting in tears and repentance of some kind. Until very recently, for a couple of weeks, I would respond with a mental temper tantrum.  "I don't want to trust. I don't want you to need to be faithful. I'm tired of you being faithful. I'm tired of you putting me in situations where you can be faithful. This is dumb. You're dumb. My life is dumb. " (I'm obviously really mature)

In all honesty, I was tired and exhausted because I wasn't trusting at all.. so I was putting a lot of effort in to try and make things work out for myself.

Almost exactly a year ago, I felt like I had clarity that I would be here this year.  I figured it would be because I was going to be pursuing my studies at Trinity Western.  But as the year went on, I realized that it wasn't for Trinity, although as far as I know I will be attending next year. I knew with absolute certainty that I was to move here, but I didn't know why. I just felt peace about it.

So here I am. It doesn't make any logical sense.

Some days I am so lonely for my home, for my family, for my friends and for my church family. 

A lot has happened. I think I need to share it because it's pretty cool how God provides for us.

Very soon after I arrived, my van broke down.  I was pretty upset because Big Red has been with me since the beginning and she's served me well. More than that, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the extra costs. So goodbye Big Red :(

I was a little scared by the economy out here. I put out like a million resumes, but was encouraged when a pretty big company hired me.  It seemed like a crazy process, but I was positive and ready to start working.  They asked for my full availability and assured me that I would be able to get full time hours if I wanted. A month after being hired, they had only been giving me around 2 hrs of "training" a week and I was desperately trying to pass all of their "requirements" to actually start working for real.  I actually started applying for other jobs.  I think that was because I knew that I wasn't supposed to be working for them.  After stringing me along, they informed me that they didn't see a "future with me in the company."  At least this way, I will finally have a paycheque in my hands after working my butt off for almost nothing for them.
I had been pretty confident in my abilities as a server, and this pretty much destroyed my confidence. I wasn't upset that I wouldn't be working for them, I was more upset that they didn't want me.

It was really demoralizing for me and in a way, my self-esteem has been decimated.  I have never felt so rejected by so many companies and so completely useless.

I was in a pretty dark place for a while.  I'm just so thankful for John who has been patient and understanding and  supportive of me even when I was a complete jerk to him.
It really turned around when I realized that I had $10.74 in my bank account. I freaked out because I was trying to trust that God would provide, but it really didn't seem like he was.

But here is a list of things that happened in the week that followed:
-I got $ for Big Red's funeral.. she was crushed. (I couldn't afford a grave).... Flowers can be sent to Ford in Memorandum

-I was contacted by the sweet woman who manages finances at Valley View and was informed that my dear friends there wanted to bless me with some more money

 -I found an old paycheque

-In the span of one week, I spoke with 2 very dear friends from home on the phone and actually got a special visit from another.  I had been incredibly lonely and somewhat homesick for my people back in Sk, so it was exactly what I needed.

-I left the worst job situation I have ever encountered to date. I can't explain the freedom that I felt after being released from that prison. I didn't see it while I was there, because I was trying so hard to be positive, but I am so thankful that God has something different in store for me.

-I made a video about the Uganda trip to be played at my home church.

The video is about God's family and how His people are all my family no matter where I go. (I posted it at the bottom)

The same Sunday that my Uganda team family was playing that video at my Ebenezer church, the church that John and I have been attending was focusing on what being a member of God's family together is like.

How crazy is that? I know some people would think that is a coincidence, but I know better.  That was God's words of encouragement to me.

I knew I would be leaving after a year at Ebenezer, but in spite of that, I really wanted to invest everything I could to my family there.  I knew it would be hard to leave, but I'm thankful that it was such a hard tear to make. My heart is broken by the separation, yet joyful for having been there and encountered what God was and is still doing there.

I do miss my family.  I miss Ebenezer and I miss being a part of it there.  But I have an opportunity to be a part of this church here, and I've already been asked to serve in youth ministry, which is where my heart beats.  

Just now I had a quick conversation with a fellow YWAMer about being called into something new. He's pretty much found himself called to move, just like I did. I don't think it's a coincidence for either of us that God led us to have this conversation. I needed the reminder of why I am here and what God called me to do in trusting and obeying him in the first place.

So once again, I am reminded of how important we are to each other in God's family, no matter where we are or what we are doing. He is with us. He knows our need and he will never leave us, no matter how dark the road, or how many temper tantrums we might throw in His face. AND no matter where we go, there will always be His hands and feet, or ears, or mouths who are speaking His words to us for Him.

My Crazy Night...

Tonight I couldn't sleep. I was restless. I got up to have a drink of water.  Then I got up to have a snack.  I looked at the clock and it was getting later and later.  Finally at 1:40 I went to turn on the furnace, I thought that maybe the reason I was still awake was because I was freezing.
I opened the furnace vent in my room and immediately I smelled the smell of natural gas.
I went downstairs to investigate and was welcomed by a wall of heavy air.  It was so bad that my eyes started watering.  I woke Kaylee up to ask her if she smelled it too, and once she was actually awake, she agreed with me.
So I did what every good daughter would do, I woke my father up at 2:00am and asked for his superpowers.  He came over and checked things out.  Of course it didn't smell as strong by the time he arrived, but lucky for me he is a smart cookie and brought over a Carbon Monoxide detector.  I felt really bad about dragging him out of bed, but he assured me that it's better to be safe than sorry.
He left and Kaylee and I went back to attempt at slumber.  At about 2:40, the detector started yelling at us.  I called my dad and he turned around to come back. It actually went off again while he was on his way over.

Here's a crazy thing.
My dad texted me at 2:42am to remind me not to hesitate to call if anything happened.
At that exact moment, at 2:42am, I was calling my dad to tell him the alarm was going off.
It was like he knew.

We called in a guy who came in to check out the furnace and he informed us that there was indeed a leak, and it had nothing to do with the furnace being on or not.  He said there was definitely Carbon monoxide in the house, and that the wall I spoke about was probably the monoxide working it's way upstairs.  (He promptly turned off the natural gas, if you are wondering)

Here is how this night is a night to be thankful to God for.

I was not supposed to be here tonight. Technically, I was supposed to be out of the house. Kaylee would've been here by herself and wouldn't have been woken up by the smell.

I have been exhausted by my recent trip to Africa, and have been falling asleep at a very early hour (for me) every night since I returned.. about 11:30 at the latest.  Tonight for some reason, I just couldn't sleep, no matter what I tried.

If I hadn't been as awake as I was, I wouldn't have tried turning the heat on, and thus I wouldn't have noticed the smell, and potentially the C0 would've just gradually leaked upstairs. 

Kaylee and I had just closed all of the windows and doors, so if I had fallen asleep tonight, we both probably wouldn't have ever woken up again. 

And how in the world at exactly 2:42am did my dad just seem to know to text me? At the same moment that I was calling to tell him something actually was wrong.

There are just too many things about tonight that remind me that there is a good God who loves me and is watching over me.  I know that some of you reading this might question that and think that I'm compiling coincidences and making a big deal out of nothing.  All I can tell you is that I firmly believe that there was a very good chance that I could've died tonight, and what kept me and Kaylee alive was completely out of our control. 

Some of you might just think this is a crazy story... but all I know is that I'm even more sure that God is real, He is Good, and He is powerful.

Greetings from Uganda!

Greetings from Uganda! We have had power for a bit today, so I'm hoping that it will last until I'm done filling you all in on some of the craziness out here. First off, GOD IS GOOD. No one has gotten sick and despite being tired and a bit overwhelmed by everything that we have been doing and seeing, we are all doing really well. I didn't realize how incredibly blessed I was to be in this beautiful country with these 9 other people. In the course of a couple of days, I have grown to love them and trust them with my life. I am really sad to even think about the fact that I will not be with them for much longer.. so I'm just not going to think about that. I wish I could upload some photos, our wonderful roommate who was already here is allowing me to borrow her laptop, so I obviously don't have any photos on here for you. Shannon and I are sharing a room with this girl, her name is Christine.

There is so much joy in this house. We have conquered some pretty intense things together and legitimately seen the power of God at work. It's funny. I was very curious about why I felt so strongly about coming to Africa, since I never really thought that I had a heart for this place, but I'm beginning to think that I see why I'm here. I have fallen in love with this country and its people. There is one girl in particular who captured my heart from the beginning. She has the most beautiful braids with green beads at the ends. Her name is Peace. The first time I saw her, she walked right up to me and took my hand. She's a very quiet little girl, but she just looked up at me and smiled. We continued to have a mutual agreement that we liked each other and sometimes we would just stand holding hands and she would look up at me and I would look down at her and we would just smile and sometimes even giggle at each other. I was captivated by her smile and her joy, but I also began to notice that she favours her right hand and has a limp. One day Jimmy, our contact, came up and showed me her burns. They cover her upper thighs and stomach and back. He told me that she had been playing with another kid who had matches. He accidentally lit her clothes on fire and since they don't have fire education out here, she didn't know "stop, drop and roll". Instead, she walked all the way home to get help. By the time she arrived at home, her clothes had melted into her skin. She spent 4 months in the hospital and has only recently been released. Her story blew me away because no one would be able to tell that this girl still lives in excruciating pain. She doesn't complain. She has the best attitude and tries to be involved in everything with the other children. I was blown away by the truth in her name. She is full of Peace. She is so incredibly beautiful and I love her to the brim. (probably overflowing, to be honest)

We were able to deliver lights today.  It's so incredible to see what a difference these lights make for families.  Today one of the families was living in a cement building with no windows. The women are sick with diabetes and cancer and are unable to gather together the money to buy kerosene, despite its terrible affect on their health.  We turned on the light that we gave them and the entire room just lit up and they were so excited.  The main mother in the home actually gave a couple fist pumps.  I feels to blessed to see how these lights are changing people's lives.  Like how unworthy am I to be here and get to see this first hand? I am so thankful.  So extremely grateful.  Thank you to everyone who helped me get here both by supporting me financially and by praying for us.  We have NEEDED those prayers more than I can say.

I don't know what else to share. There is just so much to say. There are so many things to ponder and reflect upon, and there are so many feelings I have yet to express or even to be realized. I am so glad that I am here. I want you all to know that we are safe and thriving over here. Things are amazing, and we are all incredibly blown away by the hospitality, love and blessings that we experience daily out here.

I felt like I should try memorizing Ephesians while on this trip, so I thought it very fitting to end this with a verse that I memorized today.

"For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared us in advance to do." Ephesians 2:10 

Love you all!

Affoyo :)

ps. they gave us African names and I thought I should share mine with you. They named me Lakeesha which means "full of mercy and kindness"..... I know what you're all thinking. It's pretty awesome, eh?

Wow.. it's here

So... I'm taking a "quick" break from packing and making sure everything is ready to go to make sure that y'all have a nice update about the trip. Seems like a good time to do it since we're leaving tomorrow!!

For those of you who haven't heard, this has been one of the coolest experiences of my life so far.  God has been so good to us in providing everything we've needed and MORE through friends and family all over the place.  Here are just a FEW examples about how God has been bringing this entire trip into reality, and filling my life with His abundant blessings at the same time.

We held a concert in June, and it was such an awesome blessing to sing with my family one more time before we all head all over the place.  I can't believe we won't be in the same province.. or COUNTRY next year.

 Through all the fundraising, we were able to raise enough funds to purchase 80 lights! How amazing is that? Each light costs $50, so you do the math.  In addition to that, all of the money came together for all of us to be able to go. I know it was a little stressful in the end there for some of us, but it was really cool to see how God will provide when you have faith and believe that you are supposed to do something. 

In addition to the lights, we asked our contacts in Uganda if there were any other needs that they had.  They replied that a couple of backpacks, some reading glasses, and a computer would be nice.  Well after it's all said and done, we have 105 brand new backpacks (along with some used ones), over 350 glasses, and we even have a heavy duty laptop to bring along!! Is that a couple? I hope so...How cool is that? I love how everything just came together.  Man.. SO cool.

ALSO, it was our desire to give the kids some swimming lessons while we were there.  There's a local pool in Gulu, but we knew that we would have to pay for each individual kid to enter, and were unsure about where the money would come from.  Lo and behold, the church family of one of our teammates donated a TON of money allocated to pay for the children to have these swimming lessons. 

Through my job at the restaurant, I made some contacts who ended up inviting us to share about our story on the local news.  It was really cool to see how even people outside of the church want to hear about what we are doing and want to support us.  I'll post the video at the bottom so that you can watch it if you'd like.  Kind of crazy though, eh?

Time and time again, this trip has been such a testimony about who God is and how He provides and cares for us. 

I just KNOW that there are going to be so many more stories to share about what He does in Uganda.  I won't have internet access, so I'll try to journal while I'm there and update you once I'm home.

To those of you who are praying for us, THANK YOU SO MUCH. We need it, appreciate it and love you for supporting us.  To those of you who donated time, money or any of your resources, THANK YOU for being a part of our trip in that way. 

I can't wait to share picture and stories.  For now, pray that I won't go insane tonight trying to pull everything together, and that I don't forget something uber important like my passport, which I JUST remembered while typing this.  PTL that I decided to blog.

Love you all,
Ehjae
ps. Check out the video below!!!

Challenges..

Sometimes it feels like my life is a big obstacle course.  I'm constantly running, trying to get to the finish line, but the entire course is booby trapped and I'm barely surviving, let alone finishing the race.

This has been the most eventful year of my entire life so far.  Our family put together a concert for Sunday, June 17th and we were so blessed by the people who came out to support us.  With help from friends and family, we gathered together $1800 more to help those on our team who had financial need, as well as to put money towards buying more lanterns! It's so exciting!

Yet, I have to be honest, I'm not excited yet.  I have a lot of things on the go.  I want to feel like there's something to be joyful about, because I know that there are SO many things to be joyful about.  I'm lying facedown in the mud hating the obstacle course.  I know it's going to be rewarding when I cross the finish line, but I can't see it yet.

The thing is that this is training, and we've already hit the battlegrounds. We can't even see what we're fighting against.  The battle we're training for seems treacherous and terrifying, because the enemy knows us too well, and he knows our soft spots.

If you're wondering how you can support our team, be a prayer warrior for us.

We are already having extreme nightmares, anxiety attacks, stress and so many things that are happening to us that can't be coincidences.  We need your prayer. I can't even emphasize it.  And to be honest, I'm so anxious right now about everything that I can barely even type the words to ask for your prayer. Yet, despite everything that has been hitting me full force, I know that there is a God who loves me and cares for me, and I know that you guys out there love me and care for me, so I'm begging for you to cover me in prayer.

The closer Uganda gets, the harder this is going to get. Yet, I know that God has something in store for all of us. Something that terrifies Satan and makes him really want to distract us and pull us down.  Help us stand against his schemes and find strength in God, because I know I can't do it alone.

Taken at Needle-Point

Yesterday we had our immunization consult.  Devan and Kaylee were in the same consult as I was so that we can share the cost of the consult fee. I didn't realize that it would take such a long time and I also didn't realize that I would need so many needles.  According to our nurse, Uganda is one of the countries in which the most immunizations are recommended.  I ended up needing 5 vaccines.  After the third one in my right arm, I started feeling lightheaded and they got me to lie down and drink some juice.  I wasn't really expecting to react because I've never had any problems with needles.  However, I reacted! I ended up pretty ill and am still not feeling exactly 100%.  Devan the Nurse told me to drink lots of fluids, so that's what I've been doing. I'm not sure if it was the needles that made me sick or if it was the $585 I paid to become invincible.

We had our first official meeting as a team this week.  It was great for us to gather together, and I'm looking forward to our meetings! We are really excited for this trip and to bring the lanterns over.
In addition to the lanterns, there are some other items that are needed badly in Uganda that we can bring over.

ITEMS THAT YOU CAN DONATE:

SOCCER BALLS (un-inflated)

**OLD BACKPACKS in good condition that you are no longer using
          The kids don't have backpacks so all of their school books get soaked by rain on their way to school.  

GENTLY USED CLOTHING

OLD LAPTOPS

MUSICAL KEYBOARD

PROJECTOR
 
SILENT AUCTION ITEMS:
We need items for our silent auction in our upcoming concert fundraiser.  If you know of any businesses that would be interested in supporting us by donating auction items, we would be so blessed by your help. 

SOLAR POWERED LANTERNS:
We are still hoping to purchase some more lanterns to bring over.  We have been told that the $50 (the D light 250) version of the solar powered lanterns are the ones that are useful in Uganda.  Here is the website where you can check out what they look like!
*If you want to donate money to purchase lanterns, donate in the same way as indicated before, but write "For Light the Night" in the memo field on cheques.

I am really in desperate need for financial support.
Our remaining balance for airfare ($2100) is due by the end of May and our remaining balance for ground fees ($800) is due on June 1st. If you aren't sure about how to donate, check out the "How to Donate" Page.


Couple of upcoming and ongoing fundraisers:

EHJAE'S RINGS AND THINGS:
If you haven't stopped by to see the beautiful handmade jewelry that I've been selling, check out Ehjae's Rings and Things  All Proceeds all summer go to my Uganda Fund

BAKE SALE:
I will be having a bake sale outside my house on May 19th to try to raise some more funds.  If you like baking, I hope to see you there!!



CHAN FAMILY CONCERT:
On June 17th (Father's Day), we are throwing a concert to raise funds for this trip and to raise awareness for what we are doing.  There will be a silent auction with many different items including art by members of the team!

FAMILY PHOTO DAY: Date TBA
Schedule an appointment for a 45min photo shoot.  For $60, you will receive a disk with high resolution, fully edited photos. (1 family portrait, 1 couple portrait, 1kids portrait,  and individual kids' portraits) Up to 8 photos on each disk. Like Ehjae's Photography on Facebook to keep informed about the date for this fundraiser!

Thanks for all your love and support :)