This is an on-going stand-off between me and God. Well, at least I see it that way.
The past few months have been a battle for me. I wake up in the morning desiring fellowship with God, a renewal, and to once again feel that intimacy with Him that seems so long past. I know that I am the one who moved, who changed. God is always the same, today, yesterday.. forever. I know it's me. But I don't know how or when it happened, or how to find that again.
I am a dreamer. When I was a little girl, I would crawl into little spaces or sit at the windowsill and simply dream. I would dream of my life and what it could be. Sometimes this consisted of me possessing superpowers, or having friends the size of my fingers, or friends the size of a two story building, or being in the Olympics. Many times, it consisted of me travelling, speaking and walking with Jesus and being a part of something bigger than myself.
At any rate, I dreamt about my life- and for the most part, I truly believed that anything could become of it. Now, obviously having superpowers or Gulliver's travels type friends are not a reality. But as I grew older, I realized that I could be a part of something greater than me.
Now after years and years of trying to get involved with trip after trip, yearning to learn about missions across the world, and the number of trips I have been involved with: 0.
I know what you're thinking, well Ehjae, get on that. Just book a flight and go somewhere!
Seriously, I've tried. But each time, I had a strong sense from God to wait.
This year, it was different. Last spring, when my friends were telling me about a school in Haiti that they travel to each year, once again it rose up within me. That call to missions, that overwhelming sense of urgency; that I needed to get involved. This trip made sense. I can speak french, I love kids, it's a short trip and the timeline works out perfectly with my job. (I lead a youth group, so my commitment is to them.)
After the disastrous earthquake that rocked the nation of Haiti on January 12, 2010, my sense of urgency to go was magnified. I thought to myself, "This confirms it. I am going."
What I didn't realize was the extent that it would actually effect our trip.
The dates for the trip have changed and I no longer know if I will be able to go because I have a commitment to the youth group, and I put them first. I don't want to leave unless it is a good time for them as well. The cost for the trip looks like it is going to double as well.. we don't know for sure, but that's just another thing freaking me out now.
In the past month several factors have changed. My van needed to be fixed, and ended up costing over $1000. There have been other unforeseen costs with life that would've been ok, but because of the van, I am now having to use the money I saved up for the trip to pay off debt.
So here I sit, wondering, "What in the world am I doing?"
On one hand, I am tempted to look back at my past and get angry with God. "Why is this happening again? Why did you put this unceasing urgency and desire for cross cultural ministry and yet you continuously keep me from going!? I tried to be responsible, I saved up the money, and now it's going to something totally different."
But, in my heart I know that I can trust him. It's just really hard. I have this God-given love for something, and yet he tells me that I can't go. Not yet.
I don't know what he has planned for this year. I may still go on the trip to Haiti. Right now I am in the midst of a story that tells of God's goodness and faithfulness. It's hard to see that until the rest of the chapter is written.
All I know is that God is calling me to trust him; to trust him with the finances; to trust him with the dates and times. To trust him with my life. To trust him with my dreams.
They are from him after all.
I look forward to sharing the end of this chapter with you, and telling you all about how God's goodness and faithfulness was displayed through these events in my life. Whether I go to Haiti or not will be up to him, and as much as it hurts to say this right now....
I do know that if I don't go.. he has a reason. It's hard to accept that though.
Waiting and really seeking to trust Him,
Ehjae
