What’s going on with Ehjae?
Many of you have been wondering this for the past little while. If you haven’t been, now you probably are.
Let me start off by saying that I have been through possibly the most topsy-turvy,
stressful, emotional, life-giving, spirit-filled, faith-testing, yet irrational
times of my life to date.
Yet, after that segue, I still feel like I don’t have the right words
to describe what I have been going through.
However, I am a person of many words.. too many words as
some of you are well aware, and I can’t keep this to myself because the things
that God has been doing have been too full of His goodness.
Some of you may have been aware that I went to Africa this
summer, then from there I moved out to BC. My original plan was that I would
work and then attend Trinity Western beginning in the fall of 2013.
After applying at more jobs than I have ever even considered
in my life prior to this, I got a job, however that fell apart quickly. I was
treated unfairly (and have yet to even receive pay for the work that I did do
there. (Don’t worry, I will contact the labour board if I still don’t have it
soon.)
What followed was one of the darkest times of my life. I couldn’t find work. I couldn’t find a place
to call my home. After being so loved
and allowed to love and minister to people at Ebenezer, I found it incredibly
difficult. I prayed that God would open my eyes to see where he would have me
serve in BC. I learned a lot about God’s
family. I was challenged in my
perspective of where and who I could call home and family. (I talked about this in a previous blog)
As I watched my bank account drain, in my moments of despair
and distress I was blessed to see that God is my provider. As money would miraculously appear from
someone, I would receive a generous discount on services, suddenly I would have
just enough for what I needed.
In the early days of me living in BC, I applied for a job at
an airline. I was very hopeful that
something would come of it, but unsure whether I was who they wanted. It was in the midst of a very dark time that
I heard back from them and was asked to fly to Calgary at my own expense to
interview for a possible opening. I pray
about it and I sensed within my heart that if I didn’t do it, I would regret
it. I also sensed that if I didn’t do
it, I would know that it would be because I didn’t trust that God would take
care of me. I was terrified of the extra costs of flying at my own expense, but
I knew that I should do it.
In that 2 day time frame of booking flights, packing and
ending up in Calgary, it just happened to work out that a friend of mine was
driving home for the weekend from Edmonton.
I bought a cheap bus pass and ended up at home unexpectedly.
While at home, I felt like God gave me a fresh
perspective. (Here's the blog post )
I was not choosing the joy
and peace that He offers to us every day.
I was choosing to see the negatives and the failures. I had chosen to see the worst of myself and
my situation. In that week, I was
reminded of my responsibility. It wasn’t
to find a job.. it was to trust God and choose joy. So, with new energy, I set out to do what I
could. If I couldn’t work, why not go to
Trinity in January? I applied to Trinity and waited to hear back. I was still not at peace about attending, but
I couldn’t know why that was, and I didn’t know what else to do. All I sensed when I prayed was that I was
supposed to WAIT.
I returned to BC rejuvenated and reminded of God’s
faithfulness. At this point, I was absolutely,
completely uncertain of what would come, but for once in my life, I wasn’t fazed
by that. God had shown up. I trusted
him. I knew that He would do good
things. So, we took it day by day..
There is nothing greater than sitting in the midst of chaos
and having utter peace because you know that the presence of the Lord is in
your midst and NOTHING can shake you. Nothing.
I decided that if walking with God in absolute faith for
each unknown upcoming moment but having this peace that literally
surpasses ALL kinds of understanding meant financial instability, looking absolutely irrationa,l
and life not always making sense..then I’d choose it every day for the rest of my life.
Once I came home, I realized that even though I thought my
lessons were over, God hadn’t even begun yet. We went on this journey of discovering
what it was that I actually want to do.
My answer has changed throughout the years, and I have never been able
to give a solid answer because the truth is that I didn’t know. I could come up with really great sounding
answers, but something never really felt quite right about the options I
allowed myself to consider.
I realized that life as a people-pleaser has made me
completely unable to make a decision based on what I actually want. I also realized that it’s not bad to have a
dream or a desire or to pursue them. I
guess I always thought that it was selfish on some level. I am learning
about choices.. choosing what direction to go, choosing joy over
despair, choosing truth over lies, choosing to protect myself from
words, situations and lies that hurt me.. and choosing to stand in the
authority of the truth of who I am in Christ over anything the enemy
tries to throw at me.
After isolating myself from people, and not allowing myself
to ask people for their opinions, I finally encountered a feeling of freedom in
deciding what I want to do.
So to answer your questions, I am back. I am going to pursue
my love of photography full-time. All cards in, fully committed to my dream. I
want a degree, so I’m going to study
business. I wanted to be back, and I’m allowed to want to be here. It’s not
selfish. It took me a long time to
realize that. I`m still realizing it.
There are so many things that God has been revealing to me
about myself. I need to grow in so many ways, it seems impossible when I think
about it. I know that I am SO far from
even grasping at where I would love to be. But then Holy Spirit comes in and
gives me that fresh, truthful perspective and reminds me that I can’t fix those
things on my own. In walking in faith,
trusting His word in humility and eager expectation, I know that God will
complete these current renovations in my life in His good timing. It’s just the beginning, and I am so ready
for what’s next.
A really crazy thing that happened was the day that I
decided that photography was what I wanted to do, and had just sent in my
application to study commerce, I
actually heard back from the airline that I had been successful and I had a job
offer! Of course, the rational response would be that I should’ve been jumping
at the opportunity. All that I saw
though was that I had finally figured out what I wanted to do, and pursuing
this crazy lifestyle change and working with the airline would have jeopardized
my dream and my desires. For the first
time in my life, I was able to make a solid decision based upon what I thought
would be best in my life, despite what would probably make more sense. What a huge opportunity! But it was the wrong
opportunity for me. So I graciously
turned down the job.
I am so full of joy. I am so full of thankfulness. I am so full of peace. Yet, I can’t actually describe the freedom and
this sense of knowing, TRULY KNOWING, that God is with me.
Thank you to those of you who have spoken truth to me. You have no idea how timely your words were or
how desperately I needed to be reminded of the things that you shared with
me. Know that you are a blessing and that
you have been God’s hands and feet and mouth of truth.
(If you’re wondering whether this is you, it probably is
you..)
I am still so far from where I need to be, or who I want to be. Now I at least know who I want to be, and I have this undying peace because I know without a doubt that beside me walks a God who loves me, delights in me and desires to be with me every step of the way.
I am still so far from where I need to be, or who I want to be. Now I at least know who I want to be, and I have this undying peace because I know without a doubt that beside me walks a God who loves me, delights in me and desires to be with me every step of the way.
Couple of things that spoke to me:
Prayers For All Seasons Sermon Series (Leyton and Scott)
Hebrews 12
Romans 8
Psalm 32
Psalm 136
Psalm 138
Psalm 23
(Pretty much the entire book of Psalms)
Forgotten God- Francis Chan
