Simply Be.

Simplicity.  What does it mean to live simply, to simply live? It's funny that in itself the concept of living a simple life is so complex.

I own so many things.  It's ridiculous how many little nicknacks I have accumulated throughout my life.  I struggle to keep things clean and organized, because there isn't enough room for all of my things. When I stop and think about it, it's simple.  I need to get rid of things, I don't NEED everything in my house.  Half of what I own, I don't even know what it is because it is covered by the other thousand items I own.  Why is it not really that simple? Why can't I just go through my things and label them either necessary or unnecessary for day-to-day life? It's simple: I don't really know what the word NEED means.  

I provide for myself. I provide my own food. I provide my own shelter... you get the point.

It's ridiculous how much this affects my understanding of God.  If I don't know what NEED means in the most menial, mundane and meaningless of contexts, how in the world could I understand my NEED for my Saviour?

It's funny how I struggle to live simply, and also struggle to simply live. 

I was reminded this week that God is faithful.  I am obsessed with marks and achievement; to the point of stressing out so much, I make myself ill.  Why is that? Part of it is pride. I want to be the best. Another part is my dysfunctional desire to please God by working hard at what he has called me to.  The dysfunctional part isn't the desire to please God, but it's my mistaken understanding that he will only be pleased by success.  In reality, success comes FROM God.  He knows my heart. I NEED to trust Him, trust that if this is where He has called me, that HE WILL PROVIDE financially, and academically.
I need to simply live in the reality of God's faithfulness and trust that He is guiding my every step.

I was listening to a man named Paul Washer speak and something that he said spurred on the culmination of this post.

"We live in a culture that always demands its rights, while we are called to give them up. All of them."

It's not because we are submissive to be overruled, but it's because the One who is sovereign over our lives is sovereign over the world.  I want to be submissive to the One to whom the whole universe bows down because He is good and He promises to provide for His children.

It's that simple.

Give up my rights.

Let Him provide.

the silence

I've begun to rejoice in the silence. When I feel like nothing is happening and no one is there, because it is in those moments that I really, truly experience what it means for God alone to be my satisfaction. 

So, bring on the silence and the loneliness.

Bring on the joy. 

I trust in you Lord. 

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. 
You guide me with your counsel, 

and afterward you will take me into glory. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? 

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26

2 months later....

Wow. If life could be depicted with a single photo, it would be interesting to see the before and after photographs of my life during this year.

I honestly don't even know where to begin, or what to say.

What I do know is that I came home a different person, and with 35+ new friendships that I believe I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.

The Lord did so much inside of me while I was in Hawaii.. and I've realized that the journey was just beginning. I had this weird thought that perhaps I would have all the answers after I finished my DTS. To some of my questions, I do have the answers now.  In other ways, my questions and uncertainties have simply been expanded.

What I'm realizing is that nothing really is ever certain. Except this:
1. Jesus is the Lord of my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way because when I try it another way, everything crumbles.
2. I am loved by an unrelenting, faithful, forgiving, compassionate, understanding, gentle, strong and powerful God who never leaves me, and desires to be with me every moment of every day.
3. The Kingdom of Heaven comes swiftly when it is MORE of Him and LESS of me.

It's been weird being home.  It's good to be home, but different. Perhaps because I am different. I was expecting that. I wasn't expecting to feel the way I feel. You'd think I'd want to tell everyone about EVERYTHING. In some ways, I do.  But mostly, I just don't want to talk about it.  "How was your trip?" "It was good."

I'm sure there are so many people out there who want to hear about how my DTS changed my life and it's been so incredible and they want to hear all my stories. Good, great! I enjoyed every moment.
I think my problem these days is that I'm ready for more.. I'm ready for my life to be about what God is doing, and not about my adventure in Hawaii/Asia. Don't get me wrong.. the journey that the Lord took me on this year was incredible, and I know it was His will for me, and I am the way I am today because of what He brought me through.

I MISS everyone from Maui sooo much, and that's never going to change, but I feel like all people want to hear about is the adventure.. and not about the intimate, quiet moments that I experienced in my alone times with God. Those moments that broke me, shattered my understanding of the world and opened my eyes to what God had to show me. People want to hear about what I did... I did NOTHING without the power of the Holy Spirit guiding me, I did NOTHING. He did Everything.

How was my trip? It was good.  That's probably what you'll hear from me.. it was good.. because GOD is good.

I don't even really know what I'm trying to say.  I just felt like God opened my eyes a little to what I've been struggling with these past couple of weeks. I'm just tired of the small talk. It's well-meaning and all, but it still leaves me feeling... somewhat self-indulgent.

I don't want anyone to feel like they can't ask me how it was, please, ask me! I love that people are interested. I love talking about it, I simply desire for God alone to have the glory in this story.  Not the plane rides, or the travelling, or the beaches and beauty in Hawaii.

I'm also ready for what's next. Lord, guide me.