** You might want to read the previous post to know what I am talking about in this post..**
It has been a rough week. I wrote the previous post on Wednesday, August 25th.
I was so excited, so high on the greatness of God's faithfulness. I was ecstatic and sharing my story with everyone.. I couldn't wait to leave and continue watching my life unfold in this story.
Life is not always perfect. Life is not always happy. When my best friend's mom died in a tragic car accident on Sunday, August 29th, I was not excited.
To be honest, I was absolutely furious. How can we ever say that someone aged 47 leaving 4 beautiful daughters and so many others to grieve is fair, or even a good thing? Of course, we know in our hearts that if the person who has passed had a relationship with Christ, that we will be seeing them again but death is one of those many things that does not invoke excitement in us. We don't run to grieving loved ones grinning and exclaiming, "congratulations!" In fact, I have really been learning about how we really don't know how to treat grieving loved ones at all. (Do they really need 50 dozen platters of baked goods? lol)
I have been so humbled in the past week and a half. God reminded me that we don't go to bible school, missions work, or even to Him as happy, perfect, whole human beings. The whole reason that He exists, that those things exist, is BECAUSE humans are imperfect, broken creatures.
I was mad because I've waited all these years to see what God had in store for me regarding YWAM. I knew something great was coming because He had made it so clear.
I'm mad because I know that this is the right time, this is the time that He had in store for me to go, but it's so not the right time. I want to stay. I don't want to go right now. I don't want to leave my family. I don't want to leave Melody. I don't want to leave James.
I feel like I can't trust God. But I can, I know that I can. But I'm struggling.
I wish I could stand before you and honestly exclaim to you that I am living the christian dream, feeling God's presence in every moment, seeing his goodness in all creation, that I am whole and happy. I'm not.
I sense that God is calling me to YWAM as broken as I am because it's not about how whole I am.
It's about his redeeming love.
It's not about how happy I can pretend that I am.
It's about a real relationship with a living God who accepts me and loves me with all of my faults.
It's not about what I can do for the world,
It's about who I can share with the world.
More than anything, this story is NOT about me.
I will be sharing intermittently about how God is recreating, molding and humbling me through my YWAM experience. I would love prayer from you, and I would love prayer requests from you. How are you doing? Let me pray for you :)
"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word" 2 Thessalonians 2:16
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